Status Report

Dear faithful reader,
this entry marks #375 for this iteration of my personal blog. It began shortly after a drunken phone call from someone I would later love. Questions were asked, and could not be answered, and I needed a change. The idea was to present a me to the world that was less pathetic, less self-important, and more interesting. In the 375 posts since 8.30.2005, I'd like to think I've accomplished this more than I've failed.

So who am I now? I can't answer this question. 5 weeks ago I knew exactly who I was, what I wanted, and roughly where I was headed. Ever since, things have gone wacky. In the past few days, it's almost as if I'm having an out-of-body experience. I'm literally seeing everything from an outsider's perspective, watching myself act. Everything is strangely detached, like some turned the reality in reality off. Imagine flying over your world, watching it all, but being above the cloud layer where you know nothing can touch you.

I don't know how I feel about anything right now, because I'm not really feeling. I hate certain people (artists), but that seething isn't there. I know there's supposed to be some pain in my heart, but I don't feel it. I can think about it rationally, but on a purely gut level it doesn't exist. Did I suddenly reach a zen-like state through meditation I'm not aware of? I'm at a loss to explain any of it, but I know that I'm confused as all hell. Maybe it's the fact that I've been sleeping on my amazing pillow top mattress, which was vying with some heavy competition at the hotel in Seattle, for weeks on end now. I don't know.

I was having a hard time not furrowing my brow today. It was a stretch just to explain how I wanted to look. Normal brow, even tempered. I found the key walking home from work. I smiled, knowing endorphins are supposedly released and that they would be bring me some modicum of happiness, so that maybe the scowls would stop. And what did I realize. It worked. Walking down the street, a stupid smile on my face, I felt better. Just because you have nothing to smile about, it doesn't mean you shouldn't. And I don't think until earlier tonight I had ever had a thought even remotely that cheery without a reason.

So I'm sitting here, my stomach churning, begging me to open my gullet, and I'm just here. I'm in the moment, and out of the moment, James Blunt cooing softly in the background. It's Passover and I'm not going to any Seder services. My hair looks damn good, and nothing makes sense. Am I so miserable that I've snapped and become calm as a Hindu calf? Am I actually blissful? Maybe I've finally learned to stop sweating the small stuff. That might explain this sudden and strange transformation.

I've made so many changes of late, and I wonder if that has anything to do with it. To those looking from the outside in, they're largely imperceptible. As I've said, it's more calibration than outright changes (hair being the exception). It makes me laugh. A week or two ago it would have made me sad. These tiny tweaks, adjustments to the world around me, and now I'm feeling like a totally different person.

I just wish bliss came with purpose, which I don't really have right now. I want a time machine. Not sure if I want to go backward or forward, but I'd like the option to escape the now. It's true what Favreau said. You miss the pain. Maybe it's the meds. Maybe it's the friends. Maybe it's the music.

I don't need life to make sense. I just need a direction and a kick in the ass. This is my status report. I hope you're content.

Thanks for reading.