Glutton for Self Punishment

I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I really do.

I was set in my ways. All I had to do was keep my head down, mind my own business, and avoid certain dangerous traps. Well, one dangerous trap, an interest in someone else's life, and poking my head out later and I'm kicking myself. What is it about this girl that I can't shake? Okay, don't answer that. I can name too many things, and we would all be here a while. Why do I always slip up on Wednesdays and Thursdays?

I guess the problem for me is that I've been using music as a major crutch for me. And it's been good. My walk on Tuesday night with nothing but the iPod was an emotionally cleansing experience. So I hear this song tonight in an unexpected and dangerous place. And my heart skips a beat. Literally. I was just so damn shocked. I was typing and saying things I wasn't meaning to say. Don't get me wrong, it was nothing inappropriate or out of line, but the timing wasn't exactly right. And I said these things, and then walked into the hallway. I had a chat with my roommate about sports and Lost and a few other things. I went in the bathroom for a minute, and when I came back, I was cursing myself for being stupid.

The music was different. I wasn't different, but I felt different. And so did everything else. So now I'm kicking myself wondering why I make the same mistakes over and over. And while when I look in the mirror (literally) and have a realization, I can't believe in it a few days later. Or maybe why I should stay the hell off the Internet exhausting ways to pass the time when I should be finding a more productive waste of my time.

I can blame the music this time. For tricking me into thinking something, and for the fact that there isn't a song that matches up with my exact situation or mindset. There are songs in the vein and the mood and the style of what I need, but lyrics or situations are added. I'm not scorned, just broken. The song I'm writing is called, "I Opened the Door to My Heart (You Slammed it Shut)." It's a misleading title but the lyrics tell my tale. They'll confuse some other lost soul one day when the Rectum album gets released ("Damn Near Killed 'im" - In stores never).

***
So I'm headed to the Vegas in the morning. Gonna see some shows and hang out with Jordan. I'm going to have to do this trip on the cheap side, because all my money (literally) is earmarked for my IRA since I didn't remember to contribute earlier. Well, I figure the me 30 years from now will appreciate this sacrifice and the slight interest charge my AmEx will accrue before I can pay it off. Anyhow, I'm looking forward to it. Quite a bit, more than I have anything in a while (with the exception of The Lookout, which I was stoked for).

I would love to leave my computer here, but I'll need to check and make sure my priority book for the week goes out, so I'll need to be reachable and able to view things. I really hope I don't do anything else stupid while tethered to this keyboard. Knowing me, I'll find a new way to screw up. I'll probably end up posting a pic of my genitalia (which does not exist) and have my blogger account get deleted. Years of life gone.

But that's kind of the thing about life. You live it, living for every moment of every day, but you can't capture a moment. Every moment you love, hate, or are any emotion in between is fleeting and gone before you even realize. Sucks for the good ones, but is the only way to cope with the bad I assume. And you remember one of my favorite quotes, right? "“One minute was enough, Tyler said, a person had to work hard for it, but a minute of perfection was worth the effort. A moment was the most you could ever expect from perfection” Perfection is this ever-changing monster you can never attain, and when you get that moment-- *poof* It's gone.

I've had some moments. Or maybe I should say I lived through them. I'd love to get a few more going pretty soon. Because this moment I seem to be stuck in is the opposite, and it's lasting much longer than I would like. What was that thing I once wrote when my blog was interesting? Something about this moment is your life, and it's lasting forever. Wish I could remember.

Apparently I gave Cov some good advice a couple years ago when she was in my shoes. I said something about how one day she would wake up and miss missing him. Man I wish that was me right now. Because missing the person is much worse than missing the feeling. Especially on fucking Wednesdays and Thursdays. I'll be fine for the next five or so days, and then Wednesday night I'll be having a hard time again. Come on empty advice I had no business giving... Kick in for me.

Stupid moments...